No matter where I go, the feeling of loneliness surges through my body like an electric current, I can’t seem to know where it came from, but I know the feeling intensifies every time I am forced to be alone.
We look composed on the outside, everything we have done so far seems to contribute to a cause, and it is the exact thing that we want people to believe in, otherwise, we may present ourselves as weak and insecure, and we don’t want that thing to happen. For outsiders, we are just like the spirited warrior fighting for what’s right, chasing after impeccable glory that only a few people can achieve, we are contented, and we are never alone.
Of course, we all know that it is just a camouflage to what’s missing within us, we sometimes struggle to search for our life purpose, but when we do find that very particular purpose that fuels us, we feel unprecedentedly alone, “I” feel unprecedentedly ALONE.
God is humorous as He made us an eternal prison- SELF, as if He wants to know how we are going to deal with this self that seems to stick with us with no foreseeable ending, I believe that he laughs all the time just by watching us struggle to live in harmony with the self. I have no evidence whatsoever but to believe that He is indeed laughing at me right now…
I am now sitting, with some tasks on hand to finish, however, my heart is empty, the void is devouring me bit by bit, and I can no longer manage it. I feel lonely to the extent that somehow I believe my dog is the only truest companion, no human being can ever match and give me what’s he’s been constantly supplying me- unconditional love and adoration. For me, loneliness is not that scary, what’s horrifying me is the thing that’s behind the feeling- a lack of trust towards everyone around me. I have nowhere to go, and no one to vent to because I feel I would be more lonely if I try.
My inner monologue has been going on for a while, utilizing every self-help knowledge to prevent me from destroying myself, I for sure do not want to be cynical, as it is just another illusion that justifies what might appear in my mind at any time (I have done so much but no one appreciates and loves me back, screw it, I don’t care), I most certainly do not want to let myself fall freely into a never-ending abyss.
Then what should I do? No one is gonna help me with it, and I am aware of the fact that this is yet another biggest obstacle in my life. In retrospect, my feeling of loneliness is accompanied by anger, not being able to feel love, and of course, screwing people who think they are being good to me when in fact they are just doing it for the sake of their ego and narrowed values.
What should I do? I don’t want to dwell inside this feeling anymore, I don’t want to look depressed, I don’t want any of these things to defeat me. Who is feeling lonely? Am I feeling lonely? Am I? The first thing I can do is take a step back and deny it’s not really “me” who feels lonely, but just another projection of “me” that longs for attention and yet is unable to receive it. But why the feeling is so real? And it hurts more than anything else that had happened to me in the past.
The fact that I can’t be alone has proven something, if it is “me” who is feeling lonely, then what is the thing that we are supposed to be at ease with? Where is the “self” that lots of people have told us to seek? If that is the lonely “self” then we have found it! But it’s not desirable, I believe that God himself would not have put us into this kind of awful situation.
I am gonna tell myself again, who is feeling lonely at this very exact moment? If I can be at ease with myself, then I am not lonely, but the truth to the reason for my loneliness is….?
I believe that something divine is slowly emerging, and it tells me to keep feeling lonely until I am comfortable walking around the world with my chest upright and saying “I have found it and solitude is the best thing God has ever created for me!