What exactly is the thing that’s been hindering me from living my life to the fullest? No matter what I pursue, there still seems to be a gap between me and the so-called reality, and the feeling of lack still persists even after the glorious moment of satisfaction. My life is nothing but an artifact that consists of symbols, linguistic traps, and ideologies, which unfortunately, consistently escape my awareness as though they are the fish in a broken net. Since the day I was born, my mind was thus shaped according to the context in which it arose, and from which it emerged as a personalized entity that thinks freedom is a necessity rather than something that needs to be earned. So, I become complacent, bravely charging towards my life in desperate need for validations, labels, symbols. Throughout my time, I have been learning to wisely label myself as that which I am not, and people have also been labeling myself as that which they think I am. Only by doing that, my life is imbued with meaning as I ceaselessly strive to become the labels which I have stamped on myself.
The ‘me’ right now has lost touch with humanity, even alienated from itself in exchange for the opportunity to ceaselessly becoming, and it makes me wonder whether God rewards me for becoming someone I am not, or I will be damned to hell simply because I am who I am without evolving. I have made myself a product, rather than a human being. One of the perks of being a ‘humanly product’ is that I am never static; there will always be rooms for improvements for the sake of increasing my market potential. People around me seem to encourage that, they teach me how to be productive so I can run faster in the hamster wheel, they teach me how to think critically so that I never actually think, they teach me how to transcend so that I can temporarily relieve before venturing into a new way of becoming. All my life, I have been becoming, becoming, becoming. Life is meaningless if I do not become, to become what? I ask myself. I do not know the answer.
I am a product is nonetheless true. I am a product that works more to consume, and in turn giving me a booster so that I can continue to produce. This is my life, I think. Accepting the ideology without retreating, I have heard people who claim themselves living life to the fullest, but essentially what they do is that they filter out which aspect of life they want to live on, which in turn reinforces their conception of life. I do not want to lie to myself this way, but I think, this is how my life will be, anyway. One way to avoid this nauseating letter is to tell myself that I am evolving, I am achieving, I am becoming, and I am a truly human being. So I can die merely existing, but not living.
If I live as if I will die, I will definitely be a purposeless flower, blossoming without direction, without becoming this, and without becoming that. The world is suffocating precisely because it is flooded with meaning and purpose, only they are not ours.