Since God-Knows when, I have many things to say, and yet do not know where to begin.
Though miserable to admit, we all live in a same story, the story has endowed us with strength to combat the excruciating uncertainty that constantly gnaws at the back of our mind, and in return we gave away our most precious garland, which is our “self”.
Upon encountering this, many people would deem it to be fallacious, and it is something only people with nothing better to do would think about, they claim that they are living authentically and would go on to live their life to the fullest, so they claim.
The journey is utterly lonely, I have to confess; by being honest to myself, and by looking at things as they are, I have realized that everything I have done so far or would have done in the future, is nothing but a pitiful tactic I used/use to escape from the disturbing noise that tries to push me into an abyss where I will forever be cursed by nothingness, I am nothing and a nobody, the abyss echoes through and from my being. And the things I have done, or will ever do are actually serving no purpose except for positing myself as something more than myself.
And I have to admit, the trap of good and evil has bothered us for a long time, we are crippled by the story given by our society, we have been fed by the narrative of “you can do it” rather than “you should do it” in the past, and from the moment we buy into the narrative, we are forever trapped in the hedonic treadmill where the reality of being successful is something near and yet so far, because we do not know what it means for us to be truly successful, because we do not know life, life for us is nothing but a series of pursuits of some distant and delusional notion of success that we will never be satisfied. Success in this case, is parasitic and contagious, it loses its meaning, because we have condemned it to be.
I have absolutely no concern over my defined success on either spiritual or societal level, I am worried that I am escaping from myself in the name of improving myself, to improve what? To improve based on what society and self-help gurus want me to be? To be forever progressive, efficient, adventurous, resourceful, spiritual, religious, so that I can be a better rat in their respective circle? Or should I face myself as it is, and proceed from there?
People I know, and people that I will know in the future, including myself, have scarce chance of escaping the unconscious narrative that has been forcefully fed to us, we “work hard” to know who we are, not the other way around, we are pressured by the deluge of toxic positivity that demands us to be better and better so that we can serve better, so that we can contribute better to society that we hope would in turn reciprocate and give us less torments, we are also pressured by the incessant noises telling us that we should at least arrive at a better “self” when we die, so that we can die in peace.
I think we all want to be chained in a golden shackle rather than an iron one, so that we do not have to think why we are chained in the first place, I think, overall, this is human’s common destiny.